Riff Cannon – “Mercury Mountain” (Self Released, 2009)

ImageThis is a deceptive album. For starters, the album’s cover art is absolutely mind-blowingly fantastic, but it looks like it should be gracing a grimey, woodlands black metal record, not some second rate stoner rock record. (Note: After listening to the damn thing you may wonder, as I do, if in fact the band payed more for the cover art then the damn recording of the album) Secondly when a band is ballsy enough to call themselves RIFF CANNON, you’d expect that they’d have some goddamn fucking riffs, and they’d be explosively good. This is not the case.

The album opens with the forgettable, droning rocker “Into The Unknown,” and goes right into the next track, which is more of the same. Rock ‘n roll should make you want to rock. Heavy metal should make you want to head bang. These songs do neither. Lemmy would be fucking pissed. I mean seriously, the vocalist of this band is just yelling into an overdriven microphone, and it’s just obnoxious, and monotonous. There is hardly any melody, and absolutely no hook. It just drones. And droning is cool if you’re a funeral doom band, but if you’re a stoner rock band, I want you to fucking rock.

But that brings me to my next problem with this turd: RIFF CANNON don’t even know what genre they want to play. The next song “The Oracle” is just a lazy attempt at post-rock guitar wankery, that eventually crescendos into a decent riff, which shortly after is ruined when the motherfucking vocalist opens his mouth. Next is a song that sounds like it would be comfortable on a RED FANG record, except it goes nowhere, and again is totally forgettable, and without any strong hook. After that? Another fucking post-rock song, only this one clocks in at almost 10 minutes, and is an instrumental. Now normally I’m not a fan of instrumental rock music, and actually I’m not even a fan of this song, but at least for 10 minutes I don’t have to listen to RIFF CANNON’s goddamn awful excuse for a singer. Then it’s 2 more boring rock joints, and then a laid-back post-rock closer. And the album’s over, and you can throw it out your car window, and put SLEEP’s “Holy Mountain” back on.

Seriously, a total waste of a record. There isn’t a goddamn savior on this thing. Nothing stands out. And believe me I tried to give this thing a chance. It’s been in my possession for well over 2 years, and I have listened to it all the way through numerous times, wondering if maybe something might jump out at me, but it never did.

It’s getting cold in my house. Maybe I should go start the wood stove? Hmm, but I’ll need a fire starter, maybe some newspaper, or sawdust, or… I’ve got it: this shit record! Burn, motherfucker, burn.

http://www.riffcannon.moonfruit.com/

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